(MOANS)
(PLEASURABLE GROANING)
BELLE: What I do is not so different from a conventional career, is it?
The same basic rules apply.
If you want to stay on top,
you need to be in control at all times.
# SHIRLEY BASSEY: Spinning Wheel
# What goes up
# Must come down
# Spinning wheel...
One thing this job has taught me,
is that you can't lie back and expect things to just happen.
# Crying sin...
If you want to diversify,
you've got to grab your opportunities,
seize your moments, don't let them pass you by.
Timing is everything.
# All alone...
And you have to be versatile.
Transferable skills are a must. #.. you never learn
# Ride a painted pony
# Let the spinning wheel turn #
And you thought you knew everything about me.
You're welcome.
Great disguise.
Enjoy. It's a triumph already.
(Am I allowed to talk to you?)
Yeah, but can you not pull that face?
You look like you're having a stroke.
(I'm trying to be discreet.)
Why are you wearing a bow-tie? What's wrong with it?
Nothing, it's just... not very you.
You've got to look the part. It was either this or a cravat.
Mmm. (RINGING)
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the launch of Atwood and Kalberg's latest title.
The Secret Life Of A London Call Girl
makes no apologies for lifting the lid on the sex life of our capital.
It's not for the faint-hearted,
but it does make for a scintillating read
and we are extremely proud to be launching it tonight.
Woo!
The author passes on her apologies.
She can't be with us tonight.
If you read the book, you'll understand she has a busy schedule.
(LAUGHTER)
But we do have the pleasure of hearing an extract.
Guests with pacemakers may want to retire to the drawing room.
I don't believe that. I know.
They can't be real. Look at the size of them!
That's supposed to be me.
Talk about perpetuating a myth. This is ridiculous.
What?
It's good.
The first thing you should know...
(FEEDBACK) Sorry.
.. is that I am a whore.
Oh, Jesus.
Best take two.
I'm very high class, which means I charge by the hour -
And I charge a lot.
No money, no honey.
Never play until they pay.
Oh, come on, I've gotta be in here somewhere.
Fortunately, however -
It's only my manager who ever robs me blind.
No longer able to shake her own money-maker.
The terrible old tart takes 40% of our fees.
So if you want to know what really goes on behind closed doors,
come with me.
I'll tell you everything I know.
Woo!
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Sounded good, didn't it?
Hey! Where are you going? It wasn't that bad.
To throw myself off the fire escape!
Apparently, she doesn't even exist.
It's all just part of a clever marketing campaign.
It's awful, isn't it? It's so misogynistic.
I'll bet it's written by a man.
Ah! I used to be a waitress.
Don't worry, it won't be forever.
(MOBILE RINGS)
One of my favourite clients.
A real gentleman.
Hello.
I was wondering if I could introduce myself?
Ben. Hi.
What's the point in staying there,
when there's some real fun to be had?
Can I...?
So what brings you here, anyway?
You don't work at the company, do you?
I'm in PR there. I'm sure I would have remembered you.
My friend wrote the book.
Actually, I'm here on her behalf,
because she's not here.
She's definitely not here.
Your friend? Yes. Yep.
Tell me more about this erm... friend.
Are you very close?
Yeah I guess we are.
But not like that.
Just mates.
Tell the truth. Sorry?
It's you, isn't it?
Hmm?
You are The London Call Girl.
I have read every word you've written
and I cannot tell you how it turns me on.
Just talk like you write.
OK, but I've got to warn you... I do a lot of re-drafting.
Don't be modest.
I'm going to take off all your clothes.
Yes.
Then I'm going to er...
What? What are you going to do?
Gonna throw you on the bed.
Go on, then.
Wah!
You sexy bitch, you really turn me on.
Are you OK?
(MOANS)
Oh, God.
(GASPS)
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
Fucking hell!
Do you want to take a breather for a minute?
Yeah.
Maybe for just like five minutes, or something.
You know that section in the book
where Belle gets whisked off to Paris by a celebrity client?
Was that based on a true story, or did you just make that up?
That was true.
That wasn't in the book, Ben.
Get dressed then, shall I? If you wouldn't mind.
Yeah.
So are you going to keep me in suspense all night?
Hmm?
You've forgotten, haven't you? I knew it.
Sorry, erm... You're going to have to help me out here.
Is it your birthday?
No. Oh, my God. You've really forgotten, haven't you?
What do you take me for? Yeah.
Aaah!
Now, I saved the receipt
so, look, if it doesn't fit, or the colour isn't right,
you have to let me know. Yes.
Can I open it? OK.
(GASPS)
It's perfect. Yeah? Try it on.
OK, but you can't look. I want you to have the full effect. Turn round.
Ready. Ta-dah!
You look beautiful. Yeah? Yeah.
I think this even beats the King Kong snow-globe.
Yes!
(CLEARS THROAT)
Are you OK?
Not really, no.
So what is it?
I don't know. I'm just having a bit of a crisis of confidence.
Seriously? Are you for real?
I mean, that was the best sex I've had in - No, not with this.
Jesse...
.. do you ever feel like you've bitten off more than you can chew?
All the time. Yeah?
What you do about it?
Well, I either spit it out or... swallow.
That's good advice.
You asked.
Keep it on. OK.
Breezing through reception areas looking inconspicuous is my forte.
Well, usually.
At my publisher's office,
I feel I might as well be wearing a flashing sign that reads 'Hooker'.
None of these people know the truth.
As far as they're concerned, I'm just another author.
(GASPS) An author!
Maybe I can fake it till I make it.
Good to see you. Hi.
Come in.
Have a seat.
So how did you find it, last night?
I noticed you left early.
Yeah, going incognito was not quite as much fun as I'd hoped.
A bit surreal? Surreal, yes, that definitely.
Erm... excruciatingly painful also springs to mind.
I don't know... I think being in disguise
is a great way to hear what the critics think.
Well, people will always want to have an opinion.
But, if it's any consolation, have a look at that.
It's your first review.
They're right.
It's intelligent, witty, wry.
So... (CLEARS THROAT) Book two?
We need to really jump on the success of this first book.
How does three months sound for a first draft?
No rest for the wicked.
Look, I know it doesn't sound that long
but, by the time we've factored in editing, type-setting, proofing -
Yeah. No, it wasn't that.
It was erm... I don't know, I'm just feeling a bit...
Daunted? Daunted, yeah.
Understandably.
I want you to go even further with your second book.
Oh, God.
You're more than capable, Belle.
When you say 'even further'...?
I think this next book could be
a real psychological exploration of you,
your clients.
I want you to plunder your soul.
I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to plunder.
I want you to put your trust in me completely, Belle.
I know it's a lot to ask, but I won't let you down.
Why did I just agree to that?
If I'm going to write a second book,
I'm going to have to do some serious whoring.
Oh, darling. Hiya.
Bright little number.
Yeah, do you think it's a bit much?
Got something for me? Yes.
Wonderful.
It's good, that book, isn't it? I've read it three times.
Have you?
Yeah. I think it's really lifelike.
All the girls are talking about it.
Seems a little... distasteful to me.
And the madam - good God!
A pantomime villain.
Who on earth behaves like that? I don't know, she seems all right.
I wonder who she is?
Are we done, or is there anything else you want to talk to me about?
No, no, nothing. Excellent. Ciao.
Darling?
Three times?
Sorry?
It only came out on the shelves yesterday.
You're quick, aren't you?
Ciao, darling.
Give my love to Belle.
Onwards and upwards.
An overnighter... in Mayfair.
Book two, here I come.
Welcome. Thanks.
I'm going to have a mint tea first, while I get changed.
Can I get you one? No thanks.
Not while I'm working.
Probably takes a bit of time to get warmed up.
So, chapter one:
Mr Mayfair, it turns out,
has an insatiable appetite for grinding away for hours on end.
We might as well be whittling a chair leg.
Is everything OK?
Everything's great.
You're great.
I just thought there might be something we can do to make things a bit more...
.. special for you.
This is fine.
How about a bit of erm... tie and tease? I have claustrophobia.
Isn't that confined spaces? Well, that's a big part of it yes,
but I have quite an extreme type,
which also includes a fear of being bound or constricted in any way.
Right.
Shall I carry on? Please do.
I also have a fear of heights.
Do you?
I imagine they're probably connected in some way.
Heights and confinement. Mmm.
Fascinating thing, isn't it? Mmm.
The human mind. Riveting.
The thing about phobias people don't realise
is that they're all rooted to some form of neuroses in childhood.
I read this fascinating article the other week...
I know what you're going to say.
Do you?
Not every client I have makes for good material.
But you know what? I did the best I could with the little I had
which, by the way, was hours staring at a ceiling,
listening to a list of phobias - It's brilliant.
Really?
Really? It's very funny. It's intelligent, insightful.
You're a natural raconteur.
I think this is going to be even better than your first book
which, I might add, is really saying something.
What's this? Print run figures.
Don't get your hopes up about being a millionaire just yet,
but I think you'll agree - pretty impressive.
Fuck me!
Exactly.
Woo!
Looks great.
It must feel amazing.
Yeah, it's not bad.
You've not even told me what you think of the book yet.
You haven't read it, have you?
Yeah, sort of. I've read it three times.
How can you 'sort of' read it, Ben?
I've read the whatsit, on the back, you know, the...
I'll start properly tonight.
What? I've been busy.
No, you haven't. I've read it three times.
Yeah, thanks Bambi. There you go. There's loyalty for you.
You should read it, you're in it loads.
Am I? Yeah.
I called you Jeremy.
Jeremy? What the fuck are you saying with that?
What did you think of Letitia, then? What?
I thought I'd call you Letitia.
I thought it would suit you, then I worried it might be a bit tacky.
I'm Letitia? Yeah, course you are.
Could you not tell? Oh, my days. Letitia is amazing.
Yeah. She's a scream.
I'm Letitia? That's me? Oh, my bloody days.
All right. Steady on. Jesus! I'm sorry.
I am starring in a book.
I can't believe it.
I'm a star.
If they do make it into a film,
I'm not being called fucking Jeremy, though.
OK, well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, should we?
I think it'll make an awesome film.
I'm talking to Belle about the film.
All right. Steady on, Bambi.
(DOOR BUZZER)
Jackie?
Why don't you answer your bloody phone?
I've been calling you for ages.
Who is it? It's my sister.
What's the matter?
Patrick's having an affair. I need to stay here for a while.
Prostitute. Author. Sister.
Shit.
Jackie!
I'm Byron. How the fuck are you?
Is Han in? She's out, but I'm in.
I know it was you who wrote that filthy little book.
I don't know what you're talking about.
We need to talk.
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